Holy sh*t do I hate Eli Roth movies. Ever since Hostel and Cabin Fever I've found his films to border on the unwatchable, and yet I watched this one (and fully plan to watch Green Inferno), knowing that I wasn't likely to enjoy them. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment, or maybe I just like spreading the Eli Roth is not very good gospel to anyone who will listen. So, what about this one? It's not good, at all. We start the movie having Keanu Reeve's being a "family man" shoved into our faces for an unbearably long time as we take a tour of his house, which is plastered with photos of the family, evidence of children and family is practically wallpaper in this house, and then we see Keanu and his wife have an attempt to have sex interrupted by this extremely loving children who have prepared a cake for father's day, and they all spend a solid 15 minutes of the movie talking about FATHER'S DAY, and LOVING DADDY, AND HOORAY FOR DAD ETC ETC, until you feel like you just might throw up. They also introduce us to the family dog (who somehow makes it to the end) and to a VERY IMPORTANT WORK OF ART THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT (which is smashed with hammers, obviously). So, with that extremely subtle set up, Keanu is left home alone when his family goes on a trip without him (for some reason), and the movie actually starts. This has to be one of Roth's more gutless films, we've grown accustomed to his brutal gore and violence, but this one is surprisingly void of that. Instead, we have one death that is minor and Keanu even makes it all the way to the end, and the girls get no comeuppance either. After having a weird Keanu Reeves threesome, the girls reveal that they are 15 years old and Keanu is now a pedophile, which seems like it might be the bold line that this movie takes, sort of a Hard Candy type story, but even that turns out to be untrue when (spoiler alert) the girls admit to being in their 20s. The acting is awful, the story is garbage, and it's really hard to get yourself invested in the movie at any point. Even when you think the girls are as young as they claim to be, you find yourself wondering how the hell they were able to subdue a full grown Keanu Reeves more than three f**king times in the movie. In the end, because who cares, they post a video of one of the girls having sex with Keanu (while he is tied to a bed and protesting), as proof that Keanu is a horrible monster, on Facebook (because Facebook), and of course people start responding in horror and disgust. The girls leave him buried up to his neck in the back yard and run along scott free, while Keanu frees a hand (somehow) and accidentally likes the sex video instead of deleting it. Is is that a joke Eli Roth? Because it's not funny. Hands down, this is one of the most offensively bad movies that I've seen in a long time, and you're much better off to skip it. Check out John Wick instead, that movie is f**king awesome. Look forward to seeing your next one Roth, I'm sure it'll be a masterpiece. www.barleydoeshorror.com
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A devoted father helps two stranded young women who knock on his door, but his kind gesture turns into a dangerous seduction and a deadly game of cat and mouse.
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April 14, 2019